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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589288">Plot Twist</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnalyia/pseuds/saturnalyia'>saturnalyia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monsta X (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Denial is not just a river, Epiphanies, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Twister Is A Cliche But I Love It, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Why Can't I Write Something Lighthearted, idolverse, panicked gay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:20:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,531</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnalyia/pseuds/saturnalyia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hyungwon knows perfectly well that all the on-camera flirting they do doesn't mean anything. </p><p>Then he and Changkyun play Twister for a shoot and suddenly everything is different.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>244</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Plot Twist</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <span class="small">inspired by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF3cNqZ5obY">this TTG episode</a> where hyungkyun play twister</span>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>Of all of them, Hyungwon’s the best at it. </p><p>It’s not lying or pretending, it’s just — work-life balance. Kind of like office workers not checking their work email when they’re home in the evenings, or whatever (not that Hyungwon has any idea what office workers do or don’t do).</p><p>Hyungwon puts his idol persona on like a mask, removes it like washing all the product the stylists use out of his hair. He knows who he is and what he’s about, and — most importantly — he knows the difference between the group’s public dynamics and their private relationships.</p><p>Which is to say, he knows that the on-camera flirting is no different from the singing or the dancing or the endless “please show us your aegyo” moments in every single variety show they do. He knows it doesn’t <em> mean </em> anything, the same way that Jooheon can rap “hello, I’m an alligator” and it still doesn’t mean he’s anything other than a fuzzy little baby duck. It’s just — not <em> real. </em> </p><p>And Hyungwon knows that.</p><p>Here’s the twist:</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>“Hamster...Twister!” Hyungwon shouts, brandishing the Twister box like a game show host revealing the million dollar prize. Sometimes he wonders how he ended up relying on making a fool of himself on TV to make a living, then he realises that he gets paid to goof around and have fun and it’s crazy that this is a thing he does as a job.</p><p>The thought takes the sting out of his members laughing at his lack of variety skills, which, okay — that was a terrible attempt at a joke. He feels his cheeks heating up but it’s all part of the territory, not just of the job but of their friendship.</p><p>Minhyuk is declaring him the most flexible of their team, which is a flat-out lie, but Hyungwon isn’t too bothered. He’s played Twister before, and it’s always a chaotic disaster and always plenty of fun. Plus, Changkyun gets volunteered by the other team and Changkyun is great at drawing humour out of awkward situations, so Hyungwon figures this can only be good for the broadcast.</p><p>Changkyun throws a wink at him before they start, while the stylists do a quick run around to powder everyone’s noses, but greasy flirting is pretty much par for the course with Changkyun so no one bats an eyelid. Hyungwon shoots him a barfing face, which makes Changkyun chuckle.</p><p>The game starts out like pretty much any other game of Twister does — relaxed, but quickly devolving into being contorted like a pretzel and getting up close and personal with your friend’s nasty bits. At one point Hyungwon ends up with Changkyun’s butt in his face, which he’s sure the producers are going to love. At another point Changkyun milks the whole situation by doing a <em> very </em>suggestive pelvic thrusting dance at him, and Hyungwon can already picture the effects that are going to be added to that shot. (They’re both seasoned entertainment professionals.)</p><p>In other words, everything’s going according to plan.</p><p>Until it’s not.</p><p>After the event, Hyungwon will reflect on the moment where everything changed for him:</p><p>You know how you can have a friend that you’ve known for years, and never thought of in anything other than a platonic way? And then one day they do something — a casual way of flicking their hair from their eyes, or a word they say in a gravelly tone, or just a particularly cool way of opening a beer bottle… All it takes is one single, fleeting, moment, and suddenly you’re looking at this person is a whole new light, and now everything they do takes on new meaning, and you wonder how you’d ever managed to <em> not </em> think of them in that way before?</p><p>That’s what happens, for Hyungwon.</p><p>One moment, he’s happily playing a perfectly innocent game of Twister with his friend. The next, he’s making eye contact with said friend in a way that’s supposed to be <em> playfully </em>intense, but for some reason a spark of electricity jumps between them and Hyungwon finds his breath hitching and he’s almost surprised to find himself where he is.</p><p>Then the moment’s gone, and Changkyun is laughing and moving and Hyungwon needs to pay attention to the game but his head has gone foggy because what the<em> hell </em>was that? </p><p>(And, did Changkyun feel it too?)</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>If Hyungwon thought that that moment was just a little blip, well — he’s wrong. </p><p>He somehow manages to stay professional throughout the rest of the shoot, because he is <em> good at his job, </em>damn it, but it’s not easy. </p><p>He can’t stay focused, not with his eyes wandering over to Changkyun every ten seconds, trying to figure out if something was different with him, if there was some reason that brief moment of eye contact had sent Hyungwon’s nerves into a tizzy. But no, Changkyun was their same old maknae, alternatingly petulant and clingy, or sarcastic and aloof. </p><p>Except Hyungwon suddenly found himself not just <em> recognising </em> Changkyun’s appeal, but — understanding it. Experiencing it. Like when Changkyun turns his head and Hyungwon’s struck speechless by the elegant shape of Changkyun’s nose. He’s always known that Changkyun’s had a nice side profile, of course, but this is different. This time he sees the slope of Changkyun’s nose and it feels like his breath has been knocked out of him. Or Changkyun raises one eyebrow and smirks and Hyungwon feels like his chest has caved in. Is this what it’s like to be a fan? If so, he doesn’t know why anyone does it.</p><p>And now, Changkyun has ended up next to him in the van on the ride home, and Hyungwon feels so agitated and frantic that he might vibrate out of his skin with nerves. They aren’t even touching, Changkyun is just scrolling through his phone, but Hyungwon feels so panicked he’s just about ready to launch himself out of a moving vehicle just to get out of this situation. He can hear Changkyun breathing softly next to him, can hear the little murmurs he makes as he reads, can see him periodically pulling his sleeves down so that he can hold his hands in little sweater paws. </p><p>He’s so tightly wound that, when Kihyun calls his name, he yelps very audibly. In the back seat, Hyunwoo grunts and shifts in his sleep.</p><p>“What is up with you,” Kihyun is saying now, craning round from the front to give Hyungwon the evil eye, “you’ve been acting weird all day.”</p><p>“What? No I haven’t. What are you talking about? No.”</p><p>Kihyun doesn’t look like he believes Hyungwon for a second, but he drops it and instead asks for Hyungwon’s thoughts on dinner. “I could cook, but I think we’re out of meat. If we drop you off at the supermarket round the corner, can you go get some?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Anything to get out of this van where it feels like the air is being slowly sucked out until he suffocates. “Sure. Just, um, drop me off. I want to, uh — stretch my legs, anyway.”</p><p>Changkyun, who had looked up briefly when Hyungwon yelled, before going back to his phone, looks up properly now. He twists in his seat to shove his phone into his pocket. “I’ll come with you,” he says. “I’m out of snacks.”</p><p>Oh, no. No, no, no. This is not part of the plan. Hyungwon needs to figure out what is going on, and he needs to do that alone. Far, far away from the reason for his sudden crisis, who also happens to be pushing his fringe back from his face in a way that makes Hyungwon feel light-headed.</p><p>“I’ll get you snacks,” he offers quickly. “You don’t need to come.”</p><p>Changkyun shakes his head. “You don’t know what snacks I want.”</p><p>“I can guess. Those prawn crackers, the one with the red packaging.”</p><p>“I want other things too.”</p><p>Hyungwon wants to scream and rip his hair out of his head. He forces himself to take a deep breath. “Ok fine, then you go, and get meat for dinner too.”</p><p>“No, I don’t want to go by myself.”</p><p><em> “Yah, </em> why—”</p><p>“Okay, enough.” Kihyun interrupts sharply, giving both of them a stern glare. “Both of you go.”</p><p>And not even Hyungwon dares to argue with Kihyun when he uses that tone of voice. Which is how he ends up standing in the supermarket aisle, decidedly <em> not </em> looking at Changkyun and instead striding purposefully towards the meat section.</p><p>“Hyung, can we get this?” Changkyun asks, grabbing a cling-wrapped tray of beef out of the fridge. It looks expensive, and a quick glance at the tag confirms that it is. But when Hyungwon points this out, Changkyun juts his lower lip out in a pout and the tug of fondness in Hyungwon’s chest alarms him so much that he snatches the meat right out of Changkyun’s hands and throws it into the basket he’s holding.</p><p>“Okay, snacks!” he shouts without waiting for Changkyun to respond, wheeling away abruptly like he’s escaping a fire. He can hear Changkyun hurrying along after him. His heart rate quickens. “What snacks do you want?”</p><p>Changkyun follows him into the snacks aisle, idly picking things up and tossing them into the basket. They’re getting way too much stuff, and Kihyun’s going to be disapproving, but Hyungwon isn’t going to argue with Changkyun. He can’t risk having to look at those puppy dog eyes again.</p><p>“Oh, hyung, let’s get some strawberries too,” Changkyun says suddenly, and he’s so unexpectedly close that Hyungwon jumps.</p><p>“Okay,” Hyungwon croaks out feebly, stepping away from Changkyun. He’s just realised that Changkyun smells a little like sandalwood. And that he likes the smell. That’s not good.</p><p>“The strawberries are this way,” Changkyun points out as Hyungwon starts turning away, and then he reaches out one hand and grabs Hyungwon’s wrist to pull him along. Hyungwon stares mutely at Changkyun’s fingers, circling his own slim wrist, and wonders if it is possible for something to appear so suddenly, or whether it just means that the something had been there all along.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The reason why Hyungwon’s so good at separating his “idol” self from his “true” self is that he’s really good at compartmentalising. He can step back from his emotions, put them into tidy little boxes, and only open the ones he wants to at any time. Which means that no one notices anything amiss, and Hyungwon is left to suffer in solitude at the fact that every time he so much as looks at Changkyun he feels a jolt of electricity shoot through him.</p><p>And though Hyungwon may be <em> good </em> at separating the pieces of himself, that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. It’s hard to force himself not to stare when Changkyun takes off his shirt after practice (something that he has been doing a <em> lot </em>more ever since he started working out). It’s hard not to jump when Changkyun grabs his hand or puts an arm around his shoulder or collapses against him from laughing too hard. </p><p>It’s the hardest of all to stay sane when Changkyun won’t stop <em> flirting </em>with him.</p><p>Hyungwon knows better than to read too much into this. Changkyun is an incorrigible flirt, especially with his hyungs. He does it partly because it amuses him to see his friends flustered, and partly because — well, Hyungwon supposes because it’s fun. Harmless, playful teasing between close friends.</p><p>Except it’s not harmless anymore, is it?</p><p>Two weeks after the Twister Incident (as Hyungwon has come to think of it), Changkyun is standing in the kitchen and munching on a protein bar, eyes trained on Hyungwon like a jungle cat, ready to pounce. And Hyungwon is trying — and failing miserably— to focus on making himself lunch. The water is heating up on the stove and Changkyun is leaning against the counter and Hyungwon doesn't understand <em> why </em> Changkyun is here.</p><p>"I need a snack before I go work out," Changkyun says by way of explanation when Hyungwon asks, but it still doesn't explain why Changkyun has to stay in the kitchen and <em> watch </em> Hyungwon while he eats.</p><p>"You're distracting me," Hyungwon complains. As he says it he wonders if he should have. It's plausible to be distracted by a friend that you have purely platonic feelings for, right? He’s lost the ability to tell what’s normal and what’s not. “You, uh, you’re chewing too loudly.”</p><p>Changkyun doesn’t say anything in response to this, and for a moment Hyungwon wonders if he’s left. But then he turns to check, and — Changkyun’s walking over towards him. </p><p>“Uh, what — what are you doing?”</p><p>Changkyun stops in front of Hyungwon, raises one eyebrow at him. “Bin,” he says, matter-of-factly. Holds up the wrapper of the protein bar that he’s clearly finished, and reaches past Hyungwon to toss it in the bin behind him. When he’s done, he doesn’t move away. Hyungwon thinks his heart might have stopped beating.</p><p>"You look good today, hyung," Changkyun says, after what feels like an eternity.</p><p>Hyungwon feels his breath hitch. "I'm just in a hoodie," he points out. </p><p>Changkyun shrugs, eyes darting away from Hyungwon then back again. "Yeah, but I like this hoodie. It suits you."</p><p>Hyungwon makes a half-hearted noise in the back of his throat and turns around to drop the dried ramen in the pot. <em> "Yah, </em> Changkyun-ah, stop—" he starts, but he doesn't know where he's going with this. Stop — complimenting him? Stop flirting with him? Stop making his heart flutter?</p><p>In any case, he doesn't get to finish his thought, or maybe he just trails off.</p><p>"You always look good, hyung."</p><p>Hyungwon freezes. It's not something he hasn't heard before. Changkyun says it to him all the time, as do the other members. But it's usually with a tone of playful bitterness, like, "<em> how can it be fair for someone who cares so little about his appearance to look so good".  </em></p><p>This is different.</p><p>This is just Changkyun, saying something to Hyungwon, with no one else around them to hear. Just Changkyun, saying something not just because it's true, but because he wants Hyungwon to know that he thinks it's true.</p><p>Hyungwon can’t turn around to face Changkyun. Can’t turn around to face any of this. </p><p>A long moment passes. He feels Changkyun step away from him, hears him leave the kitchen.</p><p>Hyungwon stares silently at the ramen in the pot. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyungwon watches the Twister episode with Kihyun. He’s just hanging out in Kihyun’s room, scrolling through his phone and fighting back sleepiness, when Kihyun suggests it. Hyungwon had been avoiding watching it, but he can’t think of an excuse to refuse, so he ends up sitting between Kihyun and the wall, heart pounding as he waits to see if the moment where everything changes is visible to the outside observer.</p><p>“Yah, Changkyun is so <em> greasy,” </em> Kihyun comments, half-laughing, at the part where Changkyun starts doing suggestive hip thrusts. Hyungwon grimaces but doesn’t say anything. He remembers finding it amusing at the time. It’s not amusing to watch now. It just makes him feel — guilty. Almost like he’s taking advantage of Changkyun, who’s just being innocent and funny, while he sits here perving over someone who’s supposed to be his friend. Hyungwon’s stomach churns.</p><p>He holds his breath as the wheel is spun, watches as past-Hyungwon brings his face close to past-Changkyun’s. The producers have edited electricity sparking between their eyes, and Hyungwon doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.</p><p>Kihyun is laughing at the scene, murmuring something about the editing. Hyungwon isn’t really listening. He waits for Kihyun to realise that past-Hyungwon’s stunned expression wasn’t him acting. He waits for Kihyun to discover his shameful secret.</p><p>The moment never comes. The scene moves on, and Kihyun is already laughing at something else. Hyungwon watches past-him on screen, talking about how the game brought him and Changkyun closer together. Funny, that — Hyungwon has never felt further from Changkyun before, barricaded behind his own fear and guilt and shame.</p><p>The episode ends and Kihyun still doesn’t say anything, doesn’t notice that something is up with Hyungwon. They say their goodnights, and Hyungwon goes back to his room to (attempt to) sleep.</p><p>He should be relieved, but — he realises that, beneath that thin veneer of relief, he’s disappointed.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s easier on stage, beneath the burning lights. It’s easier to put on the “idol” mask, and just move through the choreographed steps, like he’s standing apart from his body.</p><p>The hardest part is practising. In the dance studio, in their oversized shirts and sweatpants, running through intricately choreographed moves, the lines between what’s real and what’s for show are blurred. </p><p>The pair choreography for ‘Flow’ had been, in part, a collaboration between him and Changkyun. They’d worked really well together during their special stage for ‘How Long’ all those years ago, and it had been easy to work together to create a fluid set of moves during their shared part towards the end of the song. </p><p>But now, his heart hammers against his ribs as they run through the dance yet again. He <em> has </em> to look at Changkyun during this part, it’s essential to the mood of the dance. And so is the longing, yearning look in Changkyun’s eyes. That’s all part of the choreography.</p><p>Hyungwon can’t stop himself from wondering what it would be like if that look was <em> real. </em>If the way Changkyun’s fingers clung onto his own wasn’t something they had discussed extensively beforehand.</p><p>It’s so foolish to wonder — to <em> hope </em> — but Hyungwon can’t stop himself. And by the time the song ends his chest hurts so much he has to sit down, gulp down water to hide the fact that he doesn’t think he’s able to speak. No one says anything, because it’s not unusual for Hyungwon to have terrible stamina and need a break after every run through of a song. His fingers tighten around the plastic bottle. </p><p>“Five minutes then we take it from the top,” Hyunwoo announces as he grabs a bottle of water from his gym bag. </p><p>Changkyun is leaning against the back wall. His hair is slicked with sweat, hanging down into his eyes. Hyungwon can see him vaguely in his peripheral vision. He sees Changkyun glance over towards him.</p><p>“I’m going to take a walk,” Changkyun says abruptly. He pushes himself off from the wall, hesitates for a moment, then strides purposefully out of the room.</p><p>There’s a beat, then Minhyuk is clambering to his feet. “I’ll go with him,” he declares, and there’s a weird tone in his voice. Hyungwon stares as Minhyuk charges out after Changkyun. He feels like he’s missing something, but he’s not sure what.</p><p>Jooheon seems to have noticed the weird atmosphere as well. He glances around. “Is something going on?” he asks. The question is mostly directed at Kihyun, who had been sitting huddled with Minhyuk. Kihyun just shrugs. He looks genuinely unsure.</p><p>Hyungwon turns away, looks at himself in the mirror. He feels like he can’t recognise himself.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Changkyun kisses him, during an episode of Idol Radio. Just on the cheek, and only after a lot of posturing from both of them, pretending to be disgusted and reluctant. The truth is, all of them have no problem kissing each other. They’ve been best friends and family for five years. The screeching embarrassment is all part of the show.</p><p>Here’s something that’s <em> not </em>for show: </p><p>Hyungwon, standing in the shower that night, fingers touching the spot of his cheek that Changkyun had kissed. A heaviness that he can’t name in his heart.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The first one to notice something amiss is Hoseok. </p><p>Hyungwon’s at Hoseok’s apartment — in the same building as theirs, but two floors down — for dinner when Hoseok brings it up.</p><p>Everything had been incredibly shitty for a while when Hoseok left the group and moved out, but now things have settled, somewhat. They’d all asked Hoseok to come back when his name was cleared, but Hyungwon thinks that maybe Hoseok didn’t mind the chance to reinvent himself completely, and focus on his own musical sound. In any case, Hoseok’s clearly very happy now, and even though they all miss him, they’re happy for him too.</p><p>But all of this puts Hoseok in the unique position of being a very much integral part of the group (he still is and always will be) — but now also has a sort of outsider’s perspective.</p><p>“I watched the Twister episode,” is how Hoseok brings it up. Hyungwon freezes for a split second, midway through spooning some rice into his mouth. Then he blinks, and continues as if nothing happened.</p><p>“Yeah?” he replies flatly. Disinterestedly. </p><p>Hoseok is eyeing him carefully across the table. “Yeah,” he says, “and the Idol Radio episode.”</p><p>If Hyungwon had had any doubt before, it’s all gone now. He knows exactly what Hoseok is getting at. But he just continues eating, head ducked like nothing’s wrong. Even though his heart is beating so hard that he wonders if Hoseok can hear it. </p><p>“Mm, what about it?” he asks.</p><p>Hoseok shrugs, still not taking his eyes off Hyungwon. “Nothing, I just — maybe I’m reading too much into it,” he says, dancing around the subject. Or maybe because he doesn’t know what the subject is. How do you ask one of your group members if they have a crush on another one of your group members? How do you put into words a vague feeling? </p><p>(Hyungwon’s been asking himself the same question.)</p><p>“There’s nothing to read into,” Hyungwon says, after a long pause. His voice is quiet, but it rings out like a siren. That’s the closest he’s ever gotten to acknowledging the situation out loud. He lowers his spoon into his bowl, and slowly raises his gaze to meet Hoseok’s. “It’s not — there’s nothing.”</p><p>That’s not a lie, strictly speaking. There’s nothing. Nothing except Hyungwon’s one-sided emotional confusion. Nothing <em> real. </em></p><p>Hoseok nods. “You can always talk to me if there’s <em> something,” </em>he says, “you know that, right?”</p><p>Hyungwon knows that. But he can barely even admit the truth to himself. So he just makes a non-committal noise and turns back to his food. Hoseok drops the point, but Hyungwon’s still thinking about it, even as he lies in bed that night, begging futilely for sleep to take him.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>He’s an idiot, Hyungwon realises, for <em> ever </em>thinking that this all started from a game of Twister.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The first time Hyungwon found out Changkyun was from Gwangju like him was a month or so before their debut. </p><p>The two of them had never been particularly close, not to say that Hyungwon disliked him or anything, but Changkyun was quiet and withdrawn and hard to get to know. And Hyungwon was dealing with enough of his own insecurities and anxieties to really put any extra effort into befriending Changkyun.</p><p>So when Changkyun casually mentions having been born in Gwangju during one of their team dinners in the early days, it’s an easy conversational point for Hyungwon to latch onto. </p><p>“I didn’t know you were from Gwangju,” Hyungwon says as he slurps up his <em> jajangmyeon. </em>“I’m from Gwangju too.”</p><p>Changkyun looks at him, a small — almost shy — smile on his face. “I know,” he says. He looks happy, like he’s glad that this is something the two of them have in common. Hyungwon smiles back. Maybe he’s just imagining Changkyun’s happiness. But he’s glad, too. It’s a nice thing to share.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The night drags on, dark and cold and silent, and Hyungwon runs through all the times he’s hugged Changkyun and felt warmth bloom in his chest, making him never want to let go. He thinks about sitting with Changkyun in their pajamas, takeout noodles spread out on the coffee table between them, watching silly videos and laughing and basking in that rare feeling like he has no one else he needs to pretend to be. </p><p>He thinks about Changkyun holding his hand on cold days. Changkyun bringing him coffee, hands hidden in the sleeves of his sweaters. Changkyun falling asleep on his shoulder in the van on their way to early morning schedules.</p><p>The truth is this: </p><p>Of all of them, Hyungwon is the best at hiding his true self. So good, in fact, that he can keep it hidden from even himself, for years and years on end.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Or, another way of putting it:</p><p>It takes Hyungwon five years to realise that he’s always felt a little differently about Changkyun.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>By the time Hyungwon manages to fall asleep, the sky is already starting to get bright. He drags himself out of bed when his alarm goes off, then drags himself through the day’s schedules. Thankfully, his idol persona has always been lazy and languid and so it’s not too difficult for him to slouch around, only half-present.</p><p>He heads straight for the shower once they get home, planning on skipping dinner and going straight to bed. But when he gets back to his room (actually, Hoseok’s old room), still towelling his hair dry and yawning as he does it, Changkyun is, for some reason, there.</p><p>“Hi hyung,” he says, and Hyungwon is momentarily unsure if his sleep-deprived brain has just hallucinated a construct of Changkyun, in an oversized sweater and baggy sweatpants, sitting on his bed with messy hair staring up at him.</p><p>“Uh,” Hyungwon manages to mumble out. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>Changkyun shrugs, shuffles backwards on the bed so that his back is pressed against the wall. He looks away, one hand fussing at his fringe. “You seemed a little out of it today,” he says, half-swallowing his words in the way that he does when he’s feeling a little insecure. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”</p><p>Something clenches in Hyungwon’s chest. He’s not used to being the one that the others fuss over.</p><p>“I’m, uh — I’m fine,” he replies, tossing his towel over the back of a chair and trying not to look at Changkyun. The room feels, all of a sudden, too small. He can’t tell if he’s just imagining it, but he thinks he can feel Changkyun’s gaze prickling at the back of his neck. “Just tired, I guess.”</p><p>Changkyun makes a murmuring noise of acknowledgement. “Okay, then,” he says, and Hyungwon can practically picture the way he’s hunching his shoulders into himself, uncertain and hesitant. “You probably don’t want to, uh, watch a movie then.”</p><p>Hyungwon’s hands, where they’re resting on the backrest of the chair, tighten. He still doesn’t turn to look at Changkyun. “Yeah, I should probably, um, sleep.”</p><p>A moment of silence passes, then Hyungwon hears Changkyun shuffling, getting off the bed. Hears the hesitation in Changkyun’s steps as he moves towards Hyungwon, then pauses. “I’ll see you tomorrow, hyung,” he says. “Goodnight.”</p><p>Hyungwon knows that this is dangerous, but he’s never been able to say no to Changkyun.</p><p>“Actually,” he says abruptly, turning just in time to see Changkyun freeze with his hand on the door handle. Hyungwon clears his throat, and Changkyun turns to face him. He can do this. He can be normal. Just because he’s realised he’s harboured a five-year long crush on one of his best friends doesn’t mean anything needs to change.</p><p>“Go get some snacks from the kitchen,” he says, shrugging in what he hopes is a casual, nonchalant manner. “I’m not that tired. Let’s watch a movie.”</p><p>The smile that spreads across Changkyun’s face is worth the risk. He ducks his head slightly, one sweater-pawed hand coming up to cover his mouth. “Yeah,” he mumbles, “okay. Sure. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Hyungwon grabs his laptop, crawls into his bed. Pulls the covers around him and wonders how long he can keep this double life up.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Two hours later, the credits roll up a black screen, and Hyungwon has no idea what he just watched. Changkyun is warm and soft next to him, their shoulders and arms pressed together, and every time Changkyun fidgets and shifts a little closer, it sends shockwaves through Hyungwon’s core. He wishes he could go back to an easier time, a time where he was blissfully unaware of his own growing affection, when he could simply bask in Changkyun’s company without the self-consciousness that comes with realising the extent of the pretence he’s putting on.</p><p>The laptop screen goes blank, and with it the room plunges into darkness. The streetlamps outside the window cast a faint glow across the bed. It makes everything feel liminal, hanging in a space between reality and dreams.</p><p>“Um,” Hyungwon says. His heart is pounding so hard he can hear in thundering against his eardrums. Changkyun is sitting cross-legged, and his knee rests slightly on Hyungwon’s outstretched legs. Hyungwon has a sudden wild urge to put his hand on Changkyun’s knee. He clenches his hands into fists under the blankets.</p><p>“Hyung,” Changkyun says in reply. He doesn’t move an inch, and neither does Hyungwon. “Can I — can I sleep here tonight?”</p><p>It’s not an unusual ask. They — all of them — sleep in each other’s rooms all the time, share beds almost as often. It comes with the territory of spending every waking moment in each other’s company. There’s nothing to be shy about. </p><p>But Hyungwon can feel his cheeks burning up.</p><p>In the hazy glow of the nighttime, though, he can pretend.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, quietly. “Yeah, okay.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>They’re lying face to face, and Hyungwon thinks that it would be so easy to lean across the mere inches between them and— </p><p>But as close as they are, the distance between them is insurmountable. Hyungwon closes his eyes. He can hear Changkyun breathing, can almost feel the warm puff of his breath against his skin.</p><p>“Hyung,” Changkyun mumbles, so softly it’s almost inaudible. But Hyungwon hears him loud and clear.</p><p>“Mm,” he replies. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes.</p><p>There’s a long pause, and for a moment Hyungwon wonders if Changkyun’s fallen asleep. But then Changkyun inhales, and says, “Do you remember the time we ate <em> odeng?” </em></p><p>It’s such a bolt out of the blue that Hyungwon finds his eyes flying open. Changkyun’s staring at him, eyes glassy in the moonlight. </p><p>“During ‘No Mercy’,” Changkyun clarifies, before Hyungwon can say anything. “When we were preparing for ‘Interstellar’. We were staying late to practice, just the two of us, and we got <em> odeng </em>and ate it in the dance studio.”</p><p>“Huh.” The memory comes back to Hyungwon hazily. The two of them, cross-legged on the wooden floor, overhead fluorescent lights harsh and cold. A container of <em> odeng </em>between them, bamboo skewers sticking out of the steaming soup. He hasn’t thought back to that time in a while. But he finds that it’s not difficult to transport himself back there. “I remember,” he says.</p><p>The corners of Changkyun’s lips lift. “Do you remember when I picked up the skewer, and the <em> odeng </em> on it slipped right off and plopped on the floor?”</p><p>It had made a startlingly loud <em> ‘splat’, </em> spraying soup everywhere. And, after a beat, Changkyun had just looked mournfully at the ground, and mumbled, <em> “My odengie.” </em></p><p>Hyungwon remembers. He remembers bursting out in laughter, the exhaustion and stress finally catching up with him, until he was crying real actual tears at this situation that was not objectively funny in any way. And Changkyun had joined him, the two of them wiping at their eyes and clutching their stomachs, cackling endlessly at the fallen <em> odeng </em> and the ridiculousness of their entire situation.</p><p>“Your <em> odengie,” </em>Hyungwon says, chuckling lightly at the memory.</p><p>Changkyun chuckles back. “That was the first time since I joined the show that I felt — happy,” he murmurs, eyes closing as he smiles at the memory. Hyungwon’s laugh trails off. There’s an almost painful twist in his gut.</p><p>“Changkyun-ah,” he says, eventually. But Changkyun’s either asleep or refusing to respond. Hyungwon shuts his eyes and wonders what it means to be in love.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>They don’t talk about whatever <em> that </em> conversation was, and Hyungwon still doesn’t know if he’s just imagining the <em> something </em> that crackled between them that night. But the next night, Changkyun stays late at his studio, and Hyungwon can’t stop himself for wondering if it has something to do with <em> him. </em></p><p>They’re no stranger to Changkyun’s slightly obsessive moods, where he might well spend days on end in the studio if they don’t drag him home. And there’s no telling when Changkyun will get into one of those moods.</p><p>But <em> sometimes, </em>when Changkyun has a lot of emotions that he’s struggling to deal with, he goes to his studio and locks himself with his music and doesn’t emerge until he’s found a way to deal with the depth of his feelings. Changkyun’s the epitome of still waters run deep, and Hyungwon has always known this. (He wonders if the other members think the same about him.)</p><p>He’s having a late-night snack with Minhyuk and Kihyun, stuck on the fact that Changkyun still hasn’t come home, when Minhyuk suddenly stretches out one leg to kick Hyungwon under the table. Hyungwon blinks, makes an indignant noise at Minhyuk.</p><p>“Call him,” Minhyuk demands, without prelude. “Changkyun-ah. Tell him to come home.”</p><p>“What? <em> You </em>call him.” Hyungwon doesn’t know why he’s being so defensive. Or, okay, he knows why he’s being defensive but he also knows that it’s irrational, that Minhyuk probably doesn’t mean anything by it, that him calling Changkyun won’t mean anything.</p><p>Kihyun gives him a weird look, which Hyungwon ignores.</p><p>“He only listens to you,” argues Minhyuk. </p><p>Hyungwon makes a face. “That’s not true.”</p><p>“Maybe not, but he’s the most likely to listen to you. You’re his favourite hyung.”</p><p>“That — that’s not true.”</p><p>Minhyuk rolls his eyes. Kihyun raises one sceptical eyebrow at Hyungwon. They don’t say anything, and suddenly Hyungwon can feel his ears heating up. Panic floods his veins, and he pushes back his chair with a screech.</p><p>“I’m going to bed.”</p><p>“Yah, Hyungwon-ah,” Minhyuk starts, but Hyungwon just turns and heads straight for his room. He doesn’t want to hear any more.</p><p>Behind him, he catches Kihyun mumble, “What’s up with him?”</p><p>Minhyuk calls out after him, <em> “What are you so afraid of?” </em></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyungwon calls Changkyun anyway. </p><p>He picks up after four rings, just as Hyungwon was about to give up and end the call.</p><p>“Yeah, hyung,” comes Changkyun’s drawl through the phone.</p><p>Hyungwon’s startled. He hadn’t been expecting Changkyun to pick up, and now his words have dried up in his throat. “Uh,” he starts, “yah — come home.”</p><p>A pause. Then — “Mm, okay.”</p><p>Hyungwon closes his eyes, flops back against his pillow. What is he doing?</p><p>“I worry about you,” he adds, because he’s lost his mind. “You know that right?”</p><p>Another pause. Hyungwon’s forearm presses against his closed eyelids. Colours swirl in the darkness.</p><p>“Yeah,” Changkyun says, “I know.”</p><p>(Hyungwon is not brave. He never has been.)</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, you’re back — I was going to call you when it hit midnight.”</p><p>“Mm, yeah. Hyungwon hyung called me.”</p><p>“Huh. He did?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Huh.”</p><p>Hyungwon listens as Changkyun and Minhyuk head into their shared  room, softly murmuring to each other. Their voices carry away on waves, and Hyungwon feels like he’s lost at sea.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Hoseok’s given all of them the code to his apartment, so Hyungwon lets himself in, strides purposefully into the living room, where Hoseok is sitting on the sofa, watching what looks like a cooking show. Hyungwon stands in the middle of the room, stares at Hoseok.</p><p>“Uh,” he says. He’s not sure how to start.</p><p>But Hoseok, because he’s Hoseok, gets it. He turns the TV off wordlessly, then pats the space on the sofa next to him.</p><p>“Tell me,” he says.</p><p>And so, Hyungwon does.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>(Hoseok doesn’t say much. But then again, he doesn’t need to. Hyungwon already knows everything he needs to know. He had just been pretending for so long that he didn't, that he'd almost believed it.)</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>By the time Hyungwon goes back to the dorms, the sun is already hanging low in the sky. Their living room and kitchen are filled with a fiery orange glow. And sitting at the dining table, eyes raising to meet his own as he steps through the front door, is Changkyun.</p><p>His hair catches the setting sun, glowing purple and golden. When he looks up, the silver earring in his ear glints in the sunlight. His skin glows, and his eyes sparkle. Hyungwon is hit with the strength of the realisation of everything that he’s always known.</p><p>“Hyung,” Changkyun says. “I was about to call you.” </p><p>Hyungwon hasn’t said a single word. He walks towards Changkyun, takes a seat next to him. There’s a container of <em> odeng </em> sitting in front of them. Hyungwon stares at it like it’s a puzzle to be solved.</p><p>“I , um — talking about it the other night got me thinking, we should have that same <em> odeng </em>again,” Changkyun explains. He gestures at the container on the table. “I had to drive around with manager hyung but I think we found it.”</p><p>Hyungwon raises his gaze and shifts slightly so he’s facing Changkyun. Hesitating, Changkyun turns to face him too. Their knees knock. Changkyun’s eyes are cast down, and his fingers fiddle with the material of his sleeves.</p><p>“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon says. He feels like he’s in a daze, but at the same time like he is, for the first time in a long, <em> long, </em>time, living in the real world.</p><p>Changkyun looks up at him. “Mm?” he says, eyes open, waiting.</p><p>Hyungwon’s heart rate is slow, and steady. His breathing is even. He’s no longer afraid.</p><p>“Changkyun-ah,” he says again. “I think I’m in love with you.”</p><p>The pause that follows is almost interminably long. Their eye contact never breaks, and in a way it reminds Hyungwon of that moment during Twister, when their gazes had locked and Hyungwon’s life had been turned upside down. Sparks crackle beneath his skin. </p><p>And then Changkyun blinks, licks his lips. His gaze flickers between Hyungwon and the wall behind him. The corner of his mouth twitches.</p><p>“Uh,” he mumbles, and there is an unmistakable smile playing on his lips, “um. Okay. Yeah. Me too.”</p><p>It takes Hyungwon a second, and then another one, to process what Changkyun’s just said. And when he does, his brain goes into overdrive and nothing seems to make sense anymore.</p><p>“What?” he manages to stammer out.</p><p>Changkyun scrunches up his face. “I said, me too. Like. from the start. Always.”</p><p>“Huh,” Hyungwon says. He’s no longer capable of processing a single coherent thought.  “I never knew.”</p><p>The smile on Changkyun’s face fades into a smug smirk. “Yeah,” he replies coyly, “I know.”</p><p>“Huh,” Hyungwon says again.</p><p>“Can you kiss me now?” Changkyun asks.</p><p>And so Hyungwon does, one hand on the back of Changkyun’s neck, in the golden glow of the sunset, heart so full of love that it spills out of him.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The thing is, Hyungwon had always thought that he was the best at hiding his true self. That he was uniquely able to see through everyone’s masks, while no one could see through his.</p><p>And now, here’s the twist:</p><p><br/>
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</p><p> </p><p><br/>
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</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The end. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <span class="small">this was meant to be a fun light-hearted piece about an episode that sent my shipping heart into a frenzy, but it quickly took on a life of its own and became a sort of meditation into the duality of idol life and the kind of longing that builds up over years and ow I made my heart hurt. hope you liked it! pls comment or talk to me on my socials below if u wanna, I've been rly bad at replying lately but am trying to get into the habit again, and in any case know that I love and appreciate all of u :)</span>
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